I've come back to this blog as I spent so many hours on here, organizing, writing lists, tracking my weight loss, and succeeding at losing weight. I've started numerous blogs over the last few years hoping to get back to it, but just haven't. My motivation left me years ago.


This is me. Was me. Can be me. 

When I was "feeling" my best. I want to be like this again. Minus the internal outrage, depression, chaos, body dysmorphism, struggle, sadness. I read back in the weeks before this and I can really see a trend, Thank God I'm not there anymore!

I felt fat. I was in a size 8-10, but all I saw was my gross fat belly. The biggest part of me. 

Now I'm almost 40, morbidly obese with chronic pain and what I'm told is"Fibromyalgia", always thinking about my weight, always planning, starting programs, never staying with them.  With 40 only 9 months away, I do not want to be like this anymore!

I can't really exercise because of pain, or I can, but then I can't do anything for days or weeks because I've sent myself into a fibro-relapse, and can't work.  I love my work, I can't not work for obvious reasons, but I need to lose weight.  

I've gone back to weight watchers numerous times, foolishly signed myself up for a 5 day a week bootcamp, that sent me into said relapse, I tried looking into weight loss surgery, but it's too expensive to pay for myself, and I don't qualify as I DON'T HAVE DIABETES YET. Yes, I was told that. 

My family doctor has said she will support me however she can, doing a medically supervised diet, with walking, yoga or swimming as tolerated, plus having access to her nurses whenever I need them. I haven't taken her up on that offer yet, not sure why, but this should be my next starting point.

For now, I'm just going to try to make a decision about everything I eat, instead of just eating.  And maybe drinking more than just coffee... Hey Eva!  Have you heard that you can get water pumped right into your kitchen?!