Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Down the rabbit hole...

Well I went down crazy street and ended up in Emerg for chest pains due to anxiety and am now medicated.  That was 3 weeks ago.  Turns out I can't just cope with everything.  I actually need to deal with my problems!

So I took a hiatus from everything.  Nothing social (except my sisters wedding which I had to do the wedding cake and act normal, with Ativan and a lot of help thankfully!), no gym, no diet, no scale(!!!) nothing.

I'm starting to feel in control of my life somewhat, and I've signed back up for the monthly pass at weight watchers.  I'll be going back tonight.  I stepped on the scale this morning and am up 18 pounds from my goal weight.  I broke down and bought new work pants in a size 14 (I was an 8-10 this time last year).  But I'm ok with that.  I'm still a loser of over 70 pounds.  And this is a process.

I'm really fighting with myself on if I should go gang busters or not with weight loss.  I seem to be an all or nothing kind of gal, and up until now I've not been great at coping, just throw myself into something else that will distract me and helps me avoid my issues.  Or is going headlong into weight loss good for me?  Maybe that IS dealing with my issues?

Mentally I was in a much better place a year ago.  I hit my lowest weight of 162 lbs and felt like I WAS THERE!  Then I had my breast reduction and struggled for the last 12 months.  The last 5 of which I've really not been doing anything to help my weight loss.  Oh, except give myself more to lose!

I decided to go back to meetings because I was looking online for programs to help support me, like Food Addiction community groups, Overeaters Anonymous and so on... then it hit me.  The reason I went to weight watchers in the first place, and wouldn't miss it for anything, was because of the support!  My WW's people GET me!  And are there for me! And admire me! and encourage me!

I'm still on hiatus from the gym.  I'm going to give myself a few weeks back on program to get used to everything again, then we'll see.  In my head, the gym sabotaged my weight loss.  I started gaining when I started working out.  So we'll see where my head is at mid june.

I saw this on Facebook this morning and pretty much sums up my days these past 5 months...

I do so well all day, then the evening munchies hit...